I just came back from Mambo, half drunk and half awake and started going through my diary that I used to write in. I stumbled upon a poem that I written one day just outside of Starbucks... A bit lame but so far is my favourite poem..

Quiet as the night, dark clouds move,

Towards the light with its graceful groove.

Small pixies like breeze dances across the land,

Lifting feather light leaves and dust of sand.

Flashes of light streak the peaceful sky,

Lighting up the darkness that creeps by.

Thick cotton of clouds shade the world from light,

But the sky is painted with colorful paper kites.

Light breeze turns into raging bulls on air,

Shuddering the trees and making paths bare.

Colored paper once flew still in the blue,

Breaking free from the force of charging bulls.

Silver spears start to fork the sky with rough streaks,

Followed by the thunderous roar of crashing bricks.

Silence is broken by the first drop of rain,

Then the thundering fall of liquid grains.

Liquid diamonds cleanses the earth,

Cleaning the earth from dirt and filth.

What exactly is the point of blogging?

That is the first question that pops into my head whenever I’m thinking of a topic to talk about when I login into my blog.         God knows who actually visits my blog and reads the crap that I write.         I used to want to update my blog whenever I’m free.         To keep friends from asking me where I disappear to and what I’ve been up to.         It’s not that I dislike updating my life to my friends.         But nothing much ever goes on with my life.         I eat, sleep, work, club and sleep some more.         Sure, there’s the occasional drama with family and work but other than that I’m just stuck in a rut.         A depressing, pathetic rut.

Today was just one of those quiet mornings in Starbucks.         Good thing it was as I was seriously lacking in the sleep department.         I spent most of my morning just chatting with Kaze.         My gitch (gay + bitch) that I just love arguing with at work and hang out with after work.         I think of it as a love-hate relationship.         Anyway, we were talking about stuff and “blogs” came into the conversation.         I seriously find blogs boring and uninteresting except for the occasional boredom-ness and emo-ness that ends up with me typing away in my oh-so-ancient laptop about stuff (e.g. exactly what I’m doing right now).          My blog is usually where I can vent out a quarter of my anger or disappointment and hope that I do not offend anyone (which I do not think I would since nobody reads my blog anyway).         The rest of my anger usually just follows me around like a little bitch.

*sighs*

I think that blogs are dangerous online diaries created by men to ruin lives.         I’m saying these out of experience.         At the age of 18, I created my very first blog.         Till date, I have officially had 4 blogs.         The damaged that it has done to the people around me and myself is uncountable.         My first blog basically ruin a quarter of my college life due to my stupidity of not confronting my “clique” and typing away my feelings into my blog thinking that, hey, they’re never commented on any of my blogs so they’ve probably never even visited it before.         WRONG!         Two days later a cold war started like wild fire in college.         Talk about social suicide.         I’ve learned my lesson of just confronting whatever that is bothering me to my “clique” and NOT write about my anger towards my friends that I’m close with in blogs.         It calms me down after I write all my anger and feelings into it but the damage that it does is seriously not worth posting it up online where EVERYBODY can get their eyes on them.         During a cold and depressing war I decided never to touch this thing call blog ever again and closed my account.

After few months when the war died down and everyone was okay again, I opened a new account.         Deciding that these time I won’t let anyone else know that I’ve started writing again as this account will be my private online diary where I can vent out my anger on.         But my friends found out eventually (due to my big mouth) and updates on my life were constantly viewed upon whenever I posted up a new entry.         It was all good till I went all angst and shitty over the whole breakup with Zac.         It was a hard period for me therefore I found comfort in constantly feeling sorry for myself and bitching about him in my entries.         Things got a bit offensive when unknown strangers kept leaving hurtful comments in my entries.         Comments that even I (Ms “cibai” face) started feeling embarrassed.         They were direct and hurtful and very true.         So I left my very last entry in that blog and closing that account after two weeks.

*breaths in*

But I need to write.         Like drugs, I needed a place where I can express how I felt during that break up.         The depression and thoughts that constantly flow endlessly like a broken water pipe out of my head was starting to make me emotional when I’m at work or with my friends.         I needed my blog back.         A place to relief myself from the pain of being cheated on by a person that I’ve trusted my life with and move on.         I opened my third blog.         I told only my close friends about it and being super careful with my new blog.         Careful not to say things that were not meant to say and posting up entries mostly about my life.         Due to the restriction of having to control what I should or should not write became difficult for me.         I no longer found the thrill in updating my life in blogs anymore.         It became boring to constantly talk about the same shit that goes through my life and I myself can’t stand reading the dramas that I write about few days after I’ve posted it up as it felt lame and immature after I’ve gotten over the drama.         I actually opened another blog with a friend of mine.         It was actually just for fun but I realized that I post more entries in “our” blog compared to the one that I currently have.         I write about thoughts and things that I do not wish for other people to read except him as he understands the things that I’ve been going through during the breakup.         Things eventually died down and accepted the fact that I got cheated on and I was me again.         I stopped writing in “our” blog and just concentrated on my own, filling it with constant angry dramas and questions about love and men.

Today, I no longer update my blog that often anymore.         Only when I feel the need to rant or when an interesting topic like this ( I think it’s interesting anyway ) comes out of nowhere I will post an entry.

I love writing. I also love “love”.

But when you start to get irritated or annoyed at the things that you love most it’s probably smart to just take down a notch and stop for awhile and let the creative juice start pumping again.  

That way the things that I post up will seem more worth it and I’ll have fun reading the entries that I’ve posted up. =)

Something just accurred to me today.   i'm always complaining that my life is so full of drama.  so chaotic at times that i feel so stressed and emotional and pissed off.   yet, when i have nothing to stress over i get bored and have nothing to say.   thinking of things to talk about, my head starts to wander through things that seems so logical yet riddiculous at the same time.   things that a normal person wouldn't even think about.   my mind starts to imagine things that i won't be able to do in real life.   my mind is full of dirty lil' secrets and vivid thoughts of eliminating people that i hate.   hate doesn't even come close.   detest is the perfect word for those motherfuckers.  

after work, me and my fellow Starbuckians were discussing about various nonsense and mindless topic till religion came into the conversation.   i am a free-thinker.  in my humble opinion, i do not believe in religion.   i think that religion is just a trend that people follow or believe as a sense of comfort that someone greater than us human beings are watching over us and guiding us through a better path of life.   are we not praying to the same God?   why are there so many type of beliefs??   religion seems to be one of the reason that war started in the first place.   why can't religion be simplified into just one belief upon one higher being??   everybody claims that their religion is the real deal.   trying to persuade other people to join and believe their religion.  what's this?!   a contest??   a cult??   why must people do such things in order to get a greater amount of people to believe in what they think it's the real thing??  where is the rights of a person to choose what they want to believe in??   is it wrong to not believe in a specific religion??   will i not achieve a peace of mind if i was just a free thinker??   am i to go to hell for not following what is taught to be right?   i think that instead of simplifying one's life, a religion just complicates it more.  

but what the heck?   who am i to say what's right and wrong??   i'm just a cold-hearted bitch with too much on my mind.   love thinking too much.   love being a critic.  

my life IS full of drama. 

drama which i seek and choose out of boredom.

everything ended before it could start.   everything changed after 48 hours of being together.   what is it?   it's definitely not love.   nor is it infactuation.   it might just be a sudden nostalgia of what could have been.   the outcome of Us if We didn't break up then.   the curousity of whether We would have been the perfect couple or just another failed relationship where We'd be better off friends.

stop.

I can't handle the pressure.   it's slowly killing Me.   the confusions that suddenly arised is just too much to handle, even for both of Us.   what is this feeling?   what is this pain and feeling of want?    how can this happen when it was not meant to be 5 years ago?   so many questions terrorizing Me.   so many decisions that He have to make.   He is torn.   no matter what He chooses, one party will get hurt.   the question is who is He willing to hurt this time.

fuck.

if He was mine I could make Him choose.   if only God had gave Us more time together maybe it wouldn't be this hard.   why does drama revolve around My life?   am I the one looking for it or does it just tag along behind Me as I continue My miserable life here?   what is fate doing to Us?   why can't We go through so much just to spend more time together and get to know each other better then only decide?   why now?!

sigh.

I can feel it in My heart that this will not work out.   He will end up making a decision that would hurt Me.   I have no right to get angry at Him nor hate Him.   for He is not Mine...

once upon a time.. long long time ago...

once upon a time, there was a girl that fell in love with a boy.

SHE was certain that HE was the one for her.

SHE did a crazy thing by moving back to the city 'cause he was gonna be here.

SHE was in love and so was HE.

THEY never had any arguments and were happy together.

one day, HE decides to leave her.

SHE was devasted and heartbroken for months and months...

till SHE just decided to give up on that love and move on...

after few months HE decided to come back and tell her the reason why HE left..

but it was too late... SHE already was with someone else...

HE decided to let her live her life with that guy if SHE was happy then...

many relationships failed and ended for her...

everytime it ended... HE would be happy with someone else and SHE was happy for him...

SHE decided to try to find the one that will be with her...

THEY still kept in contact... and SHE would be there for him when HE had problems...

just as friends...

many days, months and years passed... SHE was still alone...

one day...

HE told her that HE is no longer with anyone... things just didn't work out and HE was devasted...

SHE was there for him and tried to cheer him up and think of ways to try to solve his problems...

what THEY didn't realise and expect was old feelings starts to come up...

feelings that should have die a long long time ago..

everything would be fine if THEY'D just have the time to slowly figure things out...

..go with the flow...

things wouldn't be complicated for them if HE didn't have to go away...

SHE doesn't know what to do now...

if only SHE could hold him and ask him to stay...

if only HE would just decide to stay...

if only...

how does these story end you ask...

i don't know...

i really don't  know....